Monday, March 29, 2010

You can't hide those lying eyes...

What does one ever hope to achieve telling a big fat fib when one actually knows there is a very high chance one will get busted very, very shortly afterward? Is it that we are lying to ourselves as we lie to someone else, trapped in our own delusional little world of denial where nothing you have done will ever escape the confines of your own mind....except in the case where you have actually confessed to someone else or someone has SEEN you.....because then there really is no escape and the truth has a very annoying way of coming out.
And isn't it ironic that it is usually the one person you want to trust you the most that you end up lying so thouroughly to? I think trust is a funny thing. Some people place such emphasis on it, others are quick to trust to the point of being naive and thus usually don't place as much importance on it as those that take a little longer to decide. And trust is the lifelong partner of forgiveness isn't it? I mean those that trust easily are usually the same suckers that forgive pretty easily too. And unfortunately, if you trust easy and forgive easy you can sometimes forget that others don't.
I lied. I was so busy trying to cover my ass that I behaved like an ass and lied straight to his face, even though I'd told 80% of the truth - that last 20% was the real cracker and I couldn't just stand up and stand by my actions. I had to go and lie like Pinnochio and within 24 hours he was asking me again and this time I had to tell the truth and now I think I may have ruined it all.
But then maybe, just maybe I did this to deliberately nuke my feelings so at least now I can say "we didn't get back together because I lied and he couldn't forgive me".....maybe I did it because now I feel like there is a tangible reason as to why it's not going to work, maybe this is the only way I can ever get over it.
I didn't cheat; but I did lie and I really wish I hadn't. Turns out I have a tremendous talent for sabotaging every single relationship I have ever been in. It's what I do.

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